No rest for the Wicked
by TheUchihaRaven
Summary: Sasuke is laying awake, unable to sleep, his thoughts lingering on a certain blond. NaruSasu


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

A/n: Another oldish thing, maybe about 6-8 months... **YAOI** is implied.

Original y! comment:

Don't look at me like that! This is my ... tries to remember ... well this is my **sad** excuse/attempt at First person _present_ tense drabble (Okie Nao, I submitted it, seee I told you I suck at it!), so I apologize that most of it is like, thoughts of the past/present and not like, actual things happening in first person... so then it's first person ... reflective? shrugs I have no idea.

Mmm... I could go into some long, angsty comment about how it's meaningful and such, but I think that's a given? shrugs Take it as it is? I sat down and started writing, something that's been very hard for me to do lately, and I came up with this. It's a crap load of emo...

In any case, I hope you like it. I tired.

Naru, Babe, if you're reading this, I'm alright, don't worry, okie? I just miss you terribly and can't wait till we get to talk again (aka have actual conversations). I Love you.

Yeah, there's angst, loads of it.

* * *

Sleep eludes me. I can feel my thoughts as they seep into my veins, running rampant though my body as my heart tells me what my head should know. I need them as much as I need oxygen. I can't breathe, every muscle aches, my fingers tremble, tingle in pain as I clutch to the thin cotton of my shirt.

This is all too much; what I'm going though, what I'm facing. I never expected to have everything handed to me on a silver platter. Habits are hard to break right? I never deserved it anyway. Why am I so special? What makes me worth anything?

I'm not worth anything.

I scoff.

I know why. _Because __**Naruto**__ thinks so._

Pain runs though my chest, pulling at my heart as it coils then jolts to my fingertips, to my face, numbing the nerves. I don't deserve him, I don't. He deserves everything that I can give but so much more than what I possess.

Rolling my head to the side, bangs sliding over my cheeks to black out strips of my vision, I stare at the band on my wrist. He's got the other, the matching one. I refuse to take it off, it's a constant reminder of his love, that he's thinking about me, worrying; but it doesn't stop the pain. It doesn't replace the fact that he's hundreds of miles away. I need him, more than I'd admit out loud to anyone but him.

_**They**__ know... _

How do people do this? How do they move past it? I can't seem to get myself out the door. I don't want to put myself out there; I could miss his message, his greeting. I could not be there when he needed me. I'm going to lose the ability to contact him soon, and I won't have any other way to get in touch with him, or anyone else for that matter. I have no more money, not any of my own that is. I'm fucked. The job hasn't called back. They probably don't want me either.

Again, I scoff.

How could I be so stupid? How can I be so afraid? I'm supposed to be strong, I'm supposed to know that I'm great. I'm not, in either case. Everyone lies. They have to be. Tell me I'm great, I'm 'awesome'. If I was, they'd remember me; they'd speak to others about me. Not look at me with pity, not see what I can do, what I'm known for, just because they know I'm down, because they think it will help. I hate you for that, all of you. Everyone. Stop looking at me with those sad eyes, I already have to see my own in the mirror everyday. It makes me sick.

I'd drink if I didn't have it in my head that he'd take advantage of me again. Use me like he claims I have him. He gets what he wants out of me then demands more compensation. He's offered to pay me for it. I was tempted to take the money. I need it. He knows I do because he's the one controlling it, just like he knows I'll give in even if I say no. I'm weak, afraid, and he _knows_ it, uses it to his advantage.

Sighing I roll onto my side, eyes staring at the wall. Blue. Yeah, I'm blue. I'm black and purple... shattered, useless, broken. I'm stuck. Choked. I'm not who I used to be.

When did this happen? When did I allow him to take over? To break me down? To turn me into ... _this._ I hate what I've become, how weak I am. I'll take the blame. I'll live with it. It's easier this way. I live with the guilt everyday anyway.

I snort in bitter amusement. He doesn't care either. I'm surrounded by these people, _'family'_, who don't even know me. Father... he doesn't care. He's blamed me for making _him_ coldhearted. Of course it's my fault. I'm the fuck up in the family. I'm not the prodigy that everyone expected me to be. Not the 'good little boy', not anymore. I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to keep trash around to pretend to be proud of.

I yawn. I'm tired but my mind won't let me sleep. I worry, constantly. I miss him. Haven't spoken to him in over a month; not a decent conversation at least. It feels like it's been a lot longer though, but I suppose need can do that, make time seem slower than what it really is. I can feel my heart breaking; bleeding out and covering my insides with its pain, numbing me as I continue to keep everything inside, hidden from everyone. Why do I need him so much? I crave for his reassurance, but why? Why do I keep torturing myself? Why does my mind continue to supply these images, show me these things that I'll probably never have? Showing me these things that I know I don't deserve?

I can see him. His blue eyes sparkling, smiling at me, his blonde hair tousled in that sexy way, even as the grin on his face lessens. I cause him pain, I take away his happiness, yet... I can almost feel his arms wrap around me, pull me in close. How can I dream this? I'm supposed to be strong... but I yearn for it; His touch, his love, his taste. His voice seeps into my head, soothing and smooth as he tries to hide his own sadness. I'm suddenly even more afraid. What if he changes his mind? What if I'm not the one for him? What if I do this all again? Warm lips press against my neck but I can't feel them. He's not here, he won't be, not for a long while. What will father say when he finds out that I'm in love with a man I've never physically touched?

I sigh. I already know. They'll tell me it's not real. _He_ already does. He's keeping me afraid, scared. He likes to see me miserable, seems to delight in it. I want to get away, he knows it; tortures me with it. Bullies me into things because he knows he's got that power over me. It took him years and he's not going to let it go, not when he's got his fangs in me.

I want an escape, I want to get away, leave everything. _Sleep._ I'm so tired. I can't stop my restless mind; I can't stop my worries, my fears. I don't want to hurt Naruto, not him. He deserves everything I can't give him, he deserves happiness I only seem to take away. He's probably falling for someone else right now.

I sob. I didn't want to, but the sound escaped my body before I could stop it. I can't handle losing him. Not now... not ever. I know it's premature, I don't care. It's how I feel and I keep getting told to express it, to not hide it, to not apologize for it. I just know I'm going to look like a dumbass later. _He wont let that happen, __**any**__ of it, and you know it._

I do know it. I know everything I keep getting reassured of. It means more to me that I'll admit that they try, but they aren't him. No one is. There's not anything that can bring a smile to my face faster than he does. I can see him grinning at me, smiling in that annoyingly cheerful way. I love that smile.

I keep things from him. Keep them because he's got enough stress, enough drama. I'm hurting myself and I know it. I'd rather it be me than someone else, someone who can't control it. I don't want to be the reason that his smile fades. I don't want him to worry more than what he already does. He doesn't need it.

I growl in frustration. My mind keeps wandering, my thought train skipping onto a new track. It's annoying that I can't even focus in my own head. I haven't been able to think straight in a long time. I've forgotten what it's like. I keep forgetting things now, little things, important things. When is our anniversary? _I don't remember..._

Some good I am, huh?

I wish I had succeeded years ago, that I was just a memory now. That I had never fucked up his life, never 'touched' people like they say I have. How have I? I can't seem to do anything that is good enough to be great. It's known, why? Because of him, he pushed me at people, talked about me to them, made people like me. I don't deserve any of it. I don't deserve their attention, their affection. I'll just end up letting them down anyway. I'd rather not hurt anyone else. It hurts me more.

I've failed him, failed everyone. I'm just a waste. Just a worthless thing that continues to wait, probably blindly for that moment, that brief few minutes when I get to be happy. That's not all there is, is it? No, he's supposed to show me it isn't, supposed to show me everything he sees, everything he knows to be true. He's supposed to show me how beautiful life can be.

_Hold on, Sasuke..._

I can hear him again. Pleading for me to wait; to let him save me, to let him fix me. I don't think I can be fixed. I'm too far gone.

_I'll never let go..._

Another sob escapes me. I can't keep doing this, I'm going insane. I miss him too much, I need him too much. I crave for him, want him. Does he want me? Is he going crazy like I am? _Of course he is..._

Sleep slowly comes, unbidden, like a wave that hit the shore suddenly. I want to dream, it's the only place I get to see him, to see those eyes, to know that touch. It's too painful. I can feel my fingers tingle and I ball them into a fist. I want to feel something other than _this_. A tear leaves a cold trail down my cheek, the lone droplet somehow managing to escape.

I'm sorry... I'm so weak, that I'm worthless, that I'm not enough. I'm sorry that I need him so much, need his reassurance, his company. Sorry that I'm still here, making people worry, making them sad. But I'm not sorry. I _do_ need him, I want him. I _Love_ him.

But...

I still wish I was gone, that I'd just disappear. Maybe then everything would be better. He'd finally not have a reason to worry, to frown. I always hate seeing him frown, just as much as he hates seeing me like this.

The sun is coming up. I hate it. It reminds me of him. He's just like the sun, bright. He always brings happiness to those around him, shining, smiling. Me, I hide. I don't mind disappearing while he's around, or having him shine his light on me. They only see me because I'm with him, because he says I'm what makes him happy. I guess that'd make me like the moon.

I snort in amusement. That was so cliché. I must be tired. I need to get up though, start another day, without him, with _him_. I hate it here. I hate this life. I hate what I am. Pain sears though my chest again, my fingers tingle, ache.

God, I need to stop. I need to sleep, to get these thoughts out of my head. I need him, more than he needs me. _'Don't lie about what you don't know about, bastard.'_ I can feel the tears as they push against the back of my eyes, begging to be let out. I refuse. I don't cry. Not while I'm here.

I turn and look at the body lying next to mine. Yeah, I wish I was gone. I don't know how much more I can handle of this, of being used, mistreated. Hn, I deserve it.

I need to shut up, to stop complaining. Someone has it worse off than me, I don't know what I have to whine about. I roll over again, stare at the wall for a few seconds before closing my eyes. I won't sleep. There's no rest for the wicked, the broken, damaged.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.


End file.
